Meet the Founding Authors. Instead of boring self-authored profiles, we let the Founding Authors turn on each other. More to come, but these few managed to meet the deadline.

Jon Stiffler – Written by Jon Stahl

Jon Stiffler is a founding author of The Daily Blank since May of 2009 and is essentially dead weight.

He grew up in Rockton, IL, which Jon calls a “small town,” but is actually classified as a “village,” which, according to the dictionary, is smaller than a town but larger than a “hamlet.”

The demographics of Jon’s home town reveal a stark contrast from the culturally diverse city of Chicago. To give you an idea of what I mean, the African American population of Rockton is .7%. That means that of Rockton’s approximately 5400 residents, 37.8 of them are black. And although Jon never mentioned in the interview where he went to school, I know for a fact that he attended Hononegah High School, because it is the only high school in Rockton.

But despite this seemingly insular upbringing, Jon managed to leave Rockton a relatively worldly and well-educated guy. I say “relatively” because compared to me, he’s an idiot. And he has baby balls.

After high school, Jon went on to college at the University of Illinois at Champaign, where he majored in Journalism. The training in real writing Jon received there helped prepare him for the world of fake writing, which brings us to why he is at The Daily Blank.

Writing for a blog is tiresome and thankless work. It involves a lot of internet research, a lot of complaining, and a lot of staring at a blank computer screen waiting for the words to come. But despite these obstacles, Jon has so far managed to crank out several passable 400-word articles in the span of two months, which is a lot given his background. And we expect more great things from him in the future. Jon has a sharp wit, a uniquely hard-edged writing style, and he doesn’t take shit from anyone. If you ask me, he and The Daily Blank will have a great future together, as long as he gets his shit together and changes that ridiculous name of his.

Jon’s email address is jon.stiffler@thedailyblank.com. He is a chronic bed-wetter and has no friends.

Jon Stahl – Written by Jon Stiffler

Jon Stahl is a founding author of The Daily Blank. I was chosen to write about him because I can see through his bullshit and get to the sensitive, caring (weak) interior.

Actually, I think it’s because my name is also Jon and that’s about all the work our producer Nick did in his decision making process. I’ve got a feeling the two of us will be paired up for whatever it is we have to do in the future for the same reason. I’m changing my name to Buzzsaw.

Jon was born way back in 1984 in Anchorage, Alaska. Despite what you may think, he did not, in fact, live in an igloo and eat clubbed baby seal meat. He grew up in Reston, Virginia, an “edge city,” where he played baseball, went to school, and hid the dirty secret that is his Hebrew faith (I’m told his horns and tail were sheared off for “safety’s sake,” as he was an “aggressive child”). Unfortunately, Jon didn’t catch the Ebola virus that was discovered there around 1990 (seriously), and he’s still with us today. Jon went on to major in Film Studies at the University of Colorado at Boulder, where he learned that he sucked at dramatic filmmaking, but had a penchant for comedy.

Jon moved to Chicago following college and has been whining about our weather ever since. He summed up his thoughts on this great city to me recently by saying, “I fucking hate it here,” so that should win him some points with all you readers.

In all seriousness, Jon is an excellent writer, and The Daily Blank is lucky to have him. He’s a self-termed “quitter,” but his articles tell us otherwise, and I’m certain he will entertain and inform you thoroughly via his absurd (that’s a good thing) style and imaginative creativity.

Feel free to contact Jon at jonathan.stahl@thedailyblank.com with any harassing thoughts or ideas, as well as advertisements for penis enlargement (he won’t say so, but he appreciates it).

Kristy Lueshen – Written by Costa Botsis

Kristy Lueshen loves fermented foods.

Especially on vegan hot dogs. In fact, her ideal vegan dog is sauerkraut (fermented cabbage), tomatoes, and celery salt.

Kristy tries to live true to the words of G. K. Chesterton, “An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; and adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered,” because to her it means that if you consider everything to be an adventure, then nothing is wrong.

Ever since she was a teenager, Kristy has wanted to write for The Onion. But after more than a few computerized and form rejections, she has been filled with a vengeful fire of vengeance!

Thankfully, she has decided to write for The Daily Blank in order to help the site grow into an unstoppable juggernaut of satirical glory.

Marcus Manfred – Written by Ian Penrose

Marcus Manfred is in every way a contradiction juxtaposed against himself. He is both the cause and the effect in every situation.

He is a man of few words but has enough of them to speak volumes. He is not a martyr but he is a symbol to an entire nation. Marcus Manfred is the reason people think before they act but Marcus Manfred will only act before he thinks.

If there were a tool to gain empirical evidence of how ludicrous a person’s actions are it would be called the Manfred Gauge.

He is a complicated man who makes simple observations for your enjoyment. And as much as you love him for it he hates you just the same. Marcus Manfred is a genius in the most basic sense of the word.

Jared Scott – Written by Brandt Ketterer

There are many reasons why Jared Scott is such an exceptionally incredible person, but four things stand out when people sit down with him for a quick coffee shop conversation:

1) He is a cellist. This in itself is enough to increase anyone’s Cool Factor by several hundred thousand points.

2) Not only can he wiggle his ears, but he can even wiggle them independently—a special talent that came only after hours of intense practice and a dozen bottles of tequila.

3) He used to brew his own beer. The last batch tasted like beef soup, so he named it “Campbell’s Chunky Beef Porter.”

4) He has a very rare disease called eosinophilic cellulitis, better known as Wells Syndrome. Jared is the 81st case in the entire world.

Un-fucking-believable.

It’s hard for normal people like me to compete with such awesomeness. Usually, someone with that many talents and skills would be a pretentious snob, but not Jared, who nonchalantly dismissed his accomplishments with a humble “Yeah, I’m kind of a weirdo.” Which is really a testimony to his thoughtful meekness and sincerity of heart. Either that, or he’s a stuck-up prick who is hiding behind a mask of false humility.

Born and raised in Flagstaff, AZ, Jared attended the University of Arizona and later completed a master’s degree in cello performance at Evanston’s Northwestern University. Armed with these impressive credentials, he was able to secure an exciting desk job at the Music Institute of Chicago, where he pushes a red button all day long to let people into the building. It makes him believe he’s saving the world, kind of like that button in Lost.

But the only thing Jared is actually saving the world from right now is boring news headlines. And the few articles he’s managed to coax out of his sick imagination for The Daily Blank are some of the highest quality satirical shit on the market.

The only problem is that when it comes to writing articles, he has “been a total slacker.” Yes, those are his actual words from an email he wrote me five days after I tried to contact him. Jared is truly on top of things, that’s for goddamn sure.

Now, if only he’d stop playing that damn cello, maybe he’d have more time to assault the world with his incredible literary ingenuity…

Brandt Ketterer – Written by Jared Scott

Brandt Ketterer is the newest addition to the Daily Blank. While he may have newbie status, the quality and enormity of his oeuvre is quickly upsizing even the most seasoned of veterans here at the blank. He’s putting us all to shame (at least me anyway). What an asshole.

Brandt was born in Manaus, Brazil. While frolicking in the rain forests as a boy, Brandt describes wielding a machete with wild abandon. With his trusty sidekick, Brandt has chopped up many a venomous Coral snake in his day. I saw a Coral snake once. That is, until someone reminded me of that stupid limerick about King snakes and Corals. I didn’t really get a good look at it anyway since I was running as fast as I could in the other direction. Not Brandt- he eats deadly snakes for breakfast.

Saying goodbye to his Tarzan-like upbringing and his pet boa constrictor Mr. Fitzsimmons, Brandt moved to the states to pursue ancient language studies in college. He is only one of a few people in the world who actually know how to read and write Latin, as opposed to those at cocktail parties who boast of being Latin scholars when the only phrases they know are found on dollar bills and the seals of their community colleges.

Other random information about Brandt: he knows how to bake a delicious loaf of bread. If you ask politely, he might even treat you to a slice of rustic rye fresh out of his oven (since he’s such a nice guy). In addition, his facial hair comes in two strikingly different colors: light brown and dark black.

Brandt likes the finer things in life: good whiskey, coffee, and gangster flicks. And writing, of course, at which he excels to an annoying degree. Seriously, give some of us a chance man.