2. A Moscow police chief is apologizing after Russian police ordered innocent motorists to act as human shields to stop a robbery getaway car last week. But Russian citizens collectively cheered having finally been promoted to “human.”

3. Michelle Bachman’s re-election campaign announced Thursday that Sarah Palin will make an appearance at a fundraiser for Rep. Bachman in April at the Minneapolis Hilton Hotel. NASA said today that the Hubble telescope is already pointed there for the amazing opportunity to catch the never-before-seen spectacle of two black holes colliding.

4. On Thursday, Conan O’Brien announced a 30-city tour called the “Legally Prohibited from Being Funny on Television Tour” which would start April 12th. O’Brien will also make a stop at the Bonnaroo Music Festival this summer and serve as emcee on the main music stage. In other news, NBC negotiators were miraculously able to retain Chuck for a 4th season.

5. A surprising NPD Group report shows that in February video game sales fell 15% despite the release of major game titles. Gamers, however, expect the numbers to climb again as across the country millions of them emerged from a yearly, month-long shower and returned to their living rooms to unpause Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2.

High five.

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The controversy began when the school acted to curb anti-gay slurs that were directed at kids with gay parents, by having a speaker address the issues of tolerance and acceptance. This brought an attack from the Illinois Family Institute, an organization that preaches the “Christian values” of hatred, anger, fear and persecution of gays and lesbians.

Laurie Higgins, a website contributor for the institute, posted a comment online that called on people from outside the Oak Park School District to stick their noses into the school’s business. She said it’s important for children to learn intolerance at an early age and asserted that students with gay parents should be attacked by their peers.

“Not all family structures are worthy of appreciation or respect. Families led by homosexuals are morally inferior to those led by heterosexuals, so their children should be made to suffer,” Higgins wrote. “This cancerous activism of inclusion and tolerance should be viciously attacked by all of us who are insecure with our own orientation and fear we might be indoctrinated by gay propaganda. It’s bad enough I’ve got a hot new neighbor who looks like Angelina Jolie and she’s invited me to work out with her. Just thinking about her hot sweaty body makes me need a cigarette.”

School principal Jonathan Ellwanger said he received about 150 emails protesting the school’s handling of the issue, but none of them were from an actual Oak Park resident.

Yet three local mothers answered the call to hate. Oak Park residents Margaret Brown, Wendy Daniels and Tammy Schulz offered a prepared statement at a January meeting of the school’s Parent Teacher Organization. The group defended its position by pointing to a few passages of the Bible, and said it was important to ignore other parts of the Bible that preach tolerance and acceptance.

“To present one view of this issue without offering equal treatment to both sides of the debate is really not education at all. We want an alternative view that says homosexuals are evil, will burn in hell and should be shunned by all members of society. We want these kids to grow up with a warped view of humanity, just as we did,” Brown read. “Most Americans have accepted the fact that gays and lesbians are born that way, but that shouldn’t keep our narrow-minded views from poisoning the minds of our children.”

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2. Bank of America has announced that they will soon not allow debit card holders to overdraft their accounts. The move is in anticipation of new federal regulations which limit overdraft fees.  But if American ingenuity has taught us anything, it’s that US citizens will find new and more efficient ways to spend money they don’t have.

3. The makers of Barbie announced they will be creating dolls based on characters from the show Mad Men. Characters Don Draper, his wife Betty, Roger Sterling, and office bombshell Joan Holloway will all be featured characters in the first batch.  In the spirit of maintaining historical accuracy, female dolls will feature black eyes and no lip.

4. Best Buy unveiled a line of 3D televisions on Wednesday they hope will allow them to cash in on the 3D phenomenon started by James Cameron’s Avatar. But analysts are unsure whether the 3D craze will really amount to anything.  Still it may be a safe bet for Best Buy, because they can always tell their shareholders it looks like the customers’ money is coming right at them.

5. As part of a BBC documentary, researchers ran an experiment to see if an “underwear bomb” could in fact bring a plane down, as was the plan of the unsuccessful Christmas Day bomber in Detroit last year.  The researchers found that the underwear bomb would not have done any harm to the 747.  The remaining passengers in line for the bathroom, however, respectfully disagreed.

High five.

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2. The Academy Awards aired on Sunday and the critically acclaimed Hurt Locker took home Best Picture. The Hurt Locker chronicles a group of US soldiers whose jobs are to defuse IEDs in Iraq, not to be confused with a Bush torture device of the same name.

3. On his show Tuesday, Rush Limbaugh said that if health care reform passes, he will leave the US. “I am leaving the country. I’ll go to Costa Rica,” said Limbaugh. Upon hearing the news, Costa Rica jammed through the paperwork to change its name to Liberal-vania.

4. On Monday, Lindsay Lohan filed a lawsuit against E*Trade over their Super Bowl ad. Lohan says E*Trade’s talking baby ad featuring a “milkaholic” girl named Lindsay was a jab at her.  Lohan isn’t upset about the alcohol reference, but rather the fact that the baby’s track marks weren’t even on the correct arm.

5. On Tuesday, Chief Justice John Roberts told a crowd that he found President Obama’s State of the Union address critique of a Supreme Court decision to reverse campaign finance laws “very troubling.” In a 5-4 decision weeks ago, the Supreme Court ruled that corporations could donate unlimited amounts of money to support the candidates of their choice.  John Roberts’ appearance was brought to you by Slim Fast.  Slim Fast: trim those pesky pounds while you trim those pesky ethics!  Slim Fast!

High five.

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Many of the employees at the Chicago-based sales office will painstakingly enter their picks based on team history, key personnel, coaching experience, seeding-matchups, statistical analysis and closely following the regular season results. Brittany will go with an alternate method.

“I just, you know, have, like, no idea, so, like, I just pick colleges I’ve heard of, or, like, partied at,” she said. “I am, like, totally not into sports, unless I’m, like, partying at a Cubs game or something.”

Tom Shackleford, the top sales rep in the region and organizer of the office pool, was optimistic on his chances for this year, until he heard Ms. Peyton provided her twenty-five dollar entry fee.

“I feel that, every year, I have a shot. But now…..fuck. I dunno,” he lamented. “She’s a tough competitor with all the trademark tools to win these things. She’s clueless, horribly uninformed, annoyingly bubbly, infuriatingly dim, kinda hot and couldn’t give two shits about basketball. That’s a lethal combo to overcome.”

Many of Brittany’s co-workers share Shackleford’s concerns, but not all of them.

“I’ve won three of the last five years in the seven NCAA pools I enter each year,” smirked sports-obsessed employee Dan Bender. “And, I won four of the last six years in three of my ten fantasy football leagues. So, yeah, I’m not worried about some bimbo who doesn’t know the difference between Butler and Baylor. Bring it!”

In the event that Brittany takes the first prize, as expected, plans are underway to “do whatever” and “totally go out” with her equally-moronic friends. Phrases like “shut UP!” and “ohmigawd, no WAY!” will be brandied about, removing any chance of an actual sports fan attending the festivities. Massive tweeting is also expected.

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“You know what?  I’m kinda happy I didn’t get that job.  Who wants to sit in a cubical all day anyway?” said Lindsay.  McGarryBowen, some stupid New York based agency with rapid expansion in Chicago, claims companies such as Disney and Kraft as their clients.  Lindsay, who interviewed for an Assistant Account Executive position on McGarryBowen’s Disney account, is probably way over-qualified for the position anyway since she’s been to Disney World, like, a million times.

“Graduating amidst our nation’s worst economic recession in decades and a deteriorating job market was actually a blessing,” reasoned Lindsay, “I don’t want to work for ‘the man’ anyway, like some mindless cog in the corporate machine with their money and their promising futures and their disposable income.  Losers.”

Lindsay lists a steady paycheck and health insurance as luxuries she’s been accustomed to living without and probably aren’t as great as they’re made out to be.

“Yes, I’m asthmatic and occasionally require the use of a rescue inhaler,” admitted Lindsay, “but I’ve really been able to make use of the prescription samples they give you,” said Lindsay.

Reasoning that everyone has a rough patch and living on the cusp of poverty now will make for a funny story later, Lindsay said she’s upbeat.

“Having free time allows me to explore my true passion- writing.  For example, there are quite a few websites that are pretty interested in my skills as an unpaid writer,” Lindsay said confidently.  “I always assumed I’d hit it big with my thought-provoking writing and just being awesome anyway.”

She stressed that it’s not like all her hopes for emerging from ever-increasing credit card and student loan debt were riding on that damn interview.

“You know what they say- when life hands you lemons, make dilemma-nade!” Ann began to mumble faintly to herself.

Presently, Ann Lindsay has found work helping her little cousins with their growing lemonade stand business.

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2. Friday during meeting with Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius and insurance company executives, President Obama read a touching letter from a woman in Ohio whom he thought represented what’s wrong with the health care system today. Cancer survivor Natoma Canfield’s 2009 premiums had increased 25% to $6,075, and in 2010 she was informed her premiums would be increased 40% to $8,496. Insurance executives said they were moved by the letter, but that their state of the art robotics have yet to perfect tears, 010000100110100101110100011000110110100000100001

3. West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd today criticized his local paper’s editorial page, saying it reads like “barkings from the nether regions of Glennbeckistan.” Oh, silly old Robert Byrd, the citizens of Glennbeckistan can’t read or write!

4. On Saturday, Sarah Palin admitted to an Alberta, Canada crowd that she has crossed the border for Canadian health care. Palin has been a vocal critic of a single payer, government run health system she says will birth things like “death panels.”  Canada does in fact have death panels, but gosh they’re just the nicest bunch a death panels you could imagine.

5. On Monday, a day after parliamentary elections in Iraq, the two major parties — the Iraqi Prime Minister’s State of Law coalition and the Iraqiya party — are both claiming to be ahead as the vote count continues.   With results expected Tuesday, no side is backing down and some in the parties are already claiming victory.  Claiming victory in an election you may not have won at all?  They really have become a democracy!

High five.

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I saw your Twitter profile the other day, as well as the photo album on your Facebook page.

You know all of those pictures of you by yourself , with the pursed lips?  Or that one with the goofy smile?  And what about the one of you looking so serious?

Can I tell you something?…..Between friends?……How do I say this?   These pictures  are so obviously staged its not even funny.  I’m serious, you can’t possibly think you can pass off an arms-length self photo as anything other than what it is.

What about that one picture where you sort of look surprised?  Really…caught off guard, were you?  Really?  C’mon, admit it, you took that yourself.   See, your left arm looks like it’s coming towards the camera on the lower right hand side of the photo…right there,  see that?  Do you know why it looks like that?  So unnatural?  It’s because you are holding the camera.  It really is as plain as day.

Besides, there’s no way you’d make that face with anyone else in the room.  It’s way too over-the-top and you’d start laughing before anyone could even take the picture….I know you too well.

Alright, how about this picture right there.  The one where you look so stoic, staring off into the distance, thinking about….well, I don’t know what you are thinking about.  Apparently you’re trying make it look like you are contemplating some deep ponderables or some such.  Forgive me if I throw up in my mouth a bit.

Are you expecting me to believe you are completely unaware that someone is taking a picture of you?  Spontaneous shot, is it?  C’mon, I see the frame of the mirror right there.  You are taking some pseudo-candid picture of your reflection!  How sad.

Listen, this has got to stop.  I get that you need a picture for your eHarmony profile page.  Seriously, go up to anyone, a stranger even, hand them your camera phone and just ask them to take a picture of you.  What’s the worst they can say, “no?”  Well, they’ll probably smirk, I’ll give you that.  But I can almost guarantee they’ll take the photo for you and at least you’ll have your new profile picture.  And you won’t look like a total douche in the process.

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2. A new shoe scanner is being tested at the Homeland Security Department lab and officials think it may help ease congestion at airports if approved for broad use. The scanner is said to have improved abilities when it comes to detecting weapons and bomb parts.  Airline security officials say they’re very excited to try the product, especially passengers wearing Victoria Secrets’ new shoe bras.

3. This week it was reported that the Tea Party has their own iPhone app called the Tea Party Finder. The application works by locating a Tea Party group in your area, and then gives you directions on how to get there without having to be confronted by one those pesky “libraries.”

4. Michigan Representative Bart Stupak said this week that he will kill any health care reform bill that doesn’t include his anti-abortion amendment, which bans government money from being used in abortions.  “We should not be giving women this option,” said Stupak during a press conference.  Stupak was rather unwavering — that is until his mother stood up in the audience and yelled, “Not so fast.”

5. A Burberry fashion show in London on Tuesday jumped onto the bandwagon by showing digitally projected models in 3D. Those invited to the screening wore 3D glasses and said the models came right off the screen.  The models popped so much, said one viewer, that you could almost make out the food they hadn’t eaten.

High five.

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“Well, Haiti is near the Dominican Republic,” explained the Hall of Fame veteran. “Sammy Sosa is from there. Sosa played for Chicago…..and Chicago is where the’85 Bears played. You can see how there’s a connection.”

Many in the sports world are referring to this as the “Six Degrees of Walter Payton”.

Hampton’s inability to go more than five sentences without bringing up his former championship squad has made for some remarkably implausible connections. Amongst the  far-reaching subjects he’s been able to connect to the ‘85 team have been global warming (“playing in the Superdome was like experiencing the greenhouse effect”), the Tiger Woods scandal (“hey, he made a mistake. We all have our Miami game”) and even the terror attacks of 9/11 (“I don’t even think Buddy Ryan could have defended that plan…”).

Doctors have an alternate explanation for this phenomenon. The American Medical Association is terming this disease as  “Stupor Bowl Shuffle”.

It was deemed an official disease after an MRI of Hampton’s brain  was performed as part of a yearly physical. It was revealed that his brain is actually made of footballs.

“Literally, if you unscrewed the top of Dan’s head, footballs would fall out,” remarked Dr. William Smitty, a top surgeon at Loyola Hospital. “He shares this syndrome with almost every ex-football player on television. It’s the reason you’ll hear the word ‘football’ mentioned every other sentence. Every single thought they have is filtered through pigskin.”

Hampton, however, is not alone. His ex-coach, Mike Ditka, has suffered from the same affliction. His symptoms are evident from this answer to an interview question about what he thought of “Dan-imal”.

“He was a heck of a football player on a great football team,” Ditka replied. “That football team could run the football, take the football away, pass the football and play football the right way. That football team was great at winning football games in the National Football League.”

Doctor Smitty has concluded that this disease, although “mind-numbingly annoying as fuck,” isn’t life-threatening.

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