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Escaped killer whale recaptured!  Rampage through Orlando ends →  February 26, 2010 Jason Goodbody

Tilly, as he is called by his pod and handlers at SeaWorld Orlando escaped his incarceration by impersonating a sea lion who was scheduled to be released into the wild.

Toyota to recall time when its cars didn’t suck →  February 26, 2010 Mitchell Snyder

Toyota looks forward to a time when its cars aren't known for unintended acceleration, steering problems and painfully bland design.

Ravinia to sell sleeping bags at Sting concert →  February 23, 2010 Clay Sander

When people come to hear Sting, they expect an evening of lackluster dreariness. Adding an orchestra certainly helps say nightie-night.

Hot Canadian girl confirms relationship with local teen →  February 22, 2010 Jason Goodbody

The teen's friends have been dealing with a whirlwind of intrigue, speculation, and vicariously induced arousal since the news was confirmed.

Chicago Auto Show targeted for parking violations →  February 20, 2010 Brandt Ketterer

More controversial parking tickets. Same old insider deals.

Alabama shooting prompts call to close Harvard →  February 17, 2010 Mitchell Snyder

Many are wondering why Dr. Amy Bishop was hired despite having graduated from an institution known for plagiarism, drug-dealing and homicide.

Despite UN Sanctions, Iran Continues to Plan Apocalypse for Western Dogs →  February 17, 2010 Jen Spyra

We will not stop peacefully pursuing a nuclear program to destroy Israel and parts of the US,’ said Iranian ambassador Mahmoud Amana as he sipped from a bottle of Dasani at a meeting of the United Nations.

John Mayer news proves humans capable of giving ‘less than a shit’ →  February 16, 2010 Clay Sander

With the release of Mayer's recent blathering about nailing Jessica Simpson and use of the N-word, people can scientifically give less than a shit.

“Jersey Shore” Guidos to star in “Jersey Boys” revival →  February 15, 2010 Costa Botsis

Frankie Valli and the rest of the 60’s rock band, The Four Seasons, come to the Jersey Shore.

Banks offer Crackerjacks instead of loans →  February 10, 2010 Marcus Manfred

Responding to political pressure to ease up on credit to consumers and small business owners, the nation’s largest banks will instead offer an olive branch in the form of boxes of Crackerjacks.

Jay Cutler demands trade from Jay Cutler Foundation →  February 8, 2010 Matthew Plowman

He claims that leaders from the Jay Cutler Foundation questioned his ability and dedication to fighting diabetes.

Scott Lee Schwarzenneger, Illinois Lieutenant Governor →  February 6, 2010 Joe Slepski

Who has bacne, a bad temper, shrunken testicles and wants your vote?