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Recent college grad didn’t even want that job anyway →  March 9, 2010 Ann Lindsay

She's probably way over-qualified for the position at that stupid ad agency anyways.

Arm’s-length self-photo not fooling anyone →  March 7, 2010 Jason Goodbody

Your attempt to pass off an arms-length self photo as a regular picture is pathetic. Get someone else to take the shot for you. It's not that big of a deal.

Dan Hampton somehow relates Haiti plight to ‘85 Bears. →  March 5, 2010 Clay Sander

Haiti is near the Dominican Republic, Sammy Sosa was born in the Dominican Republic. Sosa played for Chicago.....and Chicago is where the'85 Bears played. You can see how there's a connection."

Skynet accidentally releases plans for ‘geriatric terminator’ →  March 1, 2010 Mitchell Snyder

It's still unclear why the artificial intelligence network created something that possesses the body of a professional weightlifter but has the head of a seventy year old.

Weis: felony murder charges for donut shop owners →  February 28, 2010 Brandt Ketterer

Those donut felons could have easily foreseen that cops would die of heart attacks. Hit 'em with murder charges.

Obama’s cufflinks kill healthcare summit →  February 28, 2010 Marcus Manfred

Republican lawmakers bolted from a healthcare summit with President Barack Obama on Thursday after objecting to the president’s choice of cufflinks.

Escaped killer whale recaptured!  Rampage through Orlando ends →  February 26, 2010 Jason Goodbody

Tilly, as he is called by his pod and handlers at SeaWorld Orlando escaped his incarceration by impersonating a sea lion who was scheduled to be released into the wild.

Toyota to recall time when its cars didn’t suck →  February 26, 2010 Mitchell Snyder

Toyota looks forward to a time when its cars aren't known for unintended acceleration, steering problems and painfully bland design.

Ravinia to sell sleeping bags at Sting concert →  February 23, 2010 Clay Sander

When people come to hear Sting, they expect an evening of lackluster dreariness. Adding an orchestra certainly helps say nightie-night.

Hot Canadian girl confirms relationship with local teen →  February 22, 2010 Jason Goodbody

The teen's friends have been dealing with a whirlwind of intrigue, speculation, and vicariously induced arousal since the news was confirmed.

Chicago Auto Show targeted for parking violations →  February 20, 2010 Brandt Ketterer

More controversial parking tickets. Same old insider deals.

Alabama shooting prompts call to close Harvard →  February 17, 2010 Mitchell Snyder

Many are wondering why Dr. Amy Bishop was hired despite having graduated from an institution known for plagiarism, drug-dealing and homicide.