My wife has a strong sense of exactly what she’d like, whereas I have a very strong sense of wanting to go home and watch football.

I’ve noticed there are a lot of unattractive people out there, and I’d really like to do something to help them give me money.

No city gets into the holiday spirit like Chicago, which is why, by statute, city potholes must be large enough to fit Santa.

I hope your finances are in order because if you don’t act right now, you’ll miss your chance to purchase historic Illinois.

The Constitution was written with great deliberation by learned men who thought it’d be hilarious to make the rules silly and arbitrary.

In this week’s installment of Scott Solves Your Everyday Problems, I’ll get to the bottom of this pesky issue of the 96 percent of the universe that’s gone missing.

After Halloween, I used to be told not to eat fruit in case it was poisoned. This was unnecessary advice to give a nine-year-old.

I want to know what this country’s coming to when a humble little multinational conglomerate can’t sell its energy drink without some mom-and-pop brewery making a beverage whose name contains many of the same letters. The Hansen Beverage Company, which makes Monster Energy Drink, learned the Rock Art Brewery, a small hard beverage company in Morrisville, [...]

President Obama does not celebrate victory like a normal person.  A normal person, finding out he has won the Nobel Peace Prize, would post it on Facebook, then run around firing his gun into the air. But not Obama, the kind of guy who celebrates by adding an extra teaspoon of sweetener to his Mueslix.  Nothing [...]

We’ve had a few days to digest the International Olympic Committee’s rejection of Chicago as host of the 2016 Summer Games, so it’s time to calmly and maturely reflect on whom to blame. One option is President Obama, who gave a speech as part of Chicago’s final presentation.  Obama failed to win over enough IOC members, [...]

I plan on having kids someday, and I have no doubt the clever little bastards will track down their dad’s old humor columns.  So let me state for the record that abstinence is the most important thing on the planet, with the possible exceptions of vegetable-eating and not bothering me during Bears games. As Sex Column [...]

Rod Blagojevich is no stranger to losing causes.  He was removed from the Illinois governor’s office.  He wanted to be named Secretary of Health and Human Services.  He’s a Cubs fan. I learned the last one Thursday afternoon, when Blagojevich sat in the row behind me at Wrigley Field.  He was at the game instead of [...]