Scott Lee Cohen, Illinois Democratic nominee for lieutenant governor has come under fire for allegations of misbehavior, including, in no particular order; skipping child support payments, forcing sex upon his ex-wife, physical abuse against his ex and usage of anabolic steroids.

Additionally, Cohen was alleged to have held a knife to the throat of live-in girlfriend, Amanda Eneman.  This charge was dropped however after Eneman was convicted and sentenced to court supervision on a misdemeanor prostitution charge.  She did not show up to court for the knife charge and the case was dropped.

All are certainly damning incidents, however it’s the anabolic steroid use that has voters punching yes for Scott Lee Cohen.

Cohen admitted to the steroid use, saying “It was a bad time in my life. I was trying to put muscle on.”

“I saw what my idol, “The Governator” has been able to accomplish out in California.” Cohen said. “If Arnold can do it, so can I.”

Cohen set his eyes on becoming the second governor in America to bench press500 lbs., seemingly convinced that muscle was the secret to Schwarzenegger’s success.

“I used to watch Pumping Iron five times a week.” Cohen said. “Arnold’s workout tips gave me the inspirational insight to get the right things done for the citizens of Illinois.”

Cohen used Governor Schwarzenegger’s life path as a model for his political ambition, stating he “tried putting on a thick accent, but that didn’t work, so I thought about thick muscles instead.”

“Friends of mine wrote a script, called The Terminating Torie, which I was gonna be a cyborg from the past, sent to the future by Britain, to kill the great, great, great grandchild of Thomas Jefferson as revenge for his participation in the Revolution.  That’s where I was gonna add the accent into my repertoire, but it all fell apart.” Cohen said.

“So then, I put together a small stage play, Preschool Fireman, where I was gonna play a Chicago Fireman, who has to go undercover in a preschool to find a toddler arsonist.” Cohen said. “Funding fell through when no one would let me use fire around their children in the show. Stage parents are such Prima donnas”

Cohen felt that emulating the roles that Arnold played, would teach him the needs of Illinois schoolchildren and the troubles surrounding time travel paradoxes, both serious issues that Illinois faces.

In addition, Cohen hit the gym, hard.  As evidenced by the picture above dated 2004, Cohen’s physique had reached the kinds of proportions that very few US governors have ever been able to match.

“My thought was,” Cohen said, “if I could just get into office, then I could pummel this state into submission.”

Calls for Cohen to step aside in light of the scandal were met with only a smirking glance and this comment from Cohen.

“I’ll be back… if Illinois voters continue their streak of excellence with electing governors, you bet I’ll be back!”

This was written by Joe Slepski for The Daily Blank. It is licensed under an Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. If you love it, please re-post the complete article (including this blurb) on your site. We'd be flattered.