The repercussions of a pro-life advertisement featuring Tim Tebow and his mother, set to air during the Super Bowl, will likely bring an end to Planned Parenthood, according to the organization’s president Cecile Richards.

“Hang it up. How can we expect any pregnant woman considering an abortion to look at this ad and not completely change her mind?” she lamented. “I mean, they could be gestating a future meal-ticket Heisman Trophy winner in that oven! Who’s going to go through with it if they can have a son as dreamy and famous as Tim Tebow?”

Focus on the Family is producing the $2.5 million spot to air during the NFL’s biggest spectacle.

“I think we may have, single-handedly, ended the pro-choice movement once and for all with this ad,” said James Dobson, Focus’s founder. “Tebow really hits the demographic we’re looking for. Is there any person out there that can’t relate to a white, young, handsome, wealthy, super-athletic, college graduate? I think not.”

Employees at Planned Parenthood facilities nationwide have already begun the long process of cleaning out their desks, placing out-of-office messages, removing personal items from the fridge and canceling already scheduled appointments.

“Hell, why come in?” asked Chicago receptionist Joyce Hayes from behind the bullet-proof glass in front of her desk. “I mean, even rape and incest victims will be spellbound by the story of Pam Tebow and her decision to have a fifth child against her doctors orders. Resistance is futile.”

The newly-abandoned Planned Parenthood facilities will be sold to make way for new “Esteem Centers” paid-for by Focus on the Family.  The centers will provide a place where new mommies, upon entering the lobby, will be greeted with one employee starting a slow clap, joined by a few scattered workers rising from their chairs, clapping just as slowly, then, when several more hired clappers begin to applaud more rapidly, the noise will reach crescendo. Verbal cheering and piped-in sweeping orchestral music will accompany this gesture.

“Some Esteem Center employees will be given bonuses if they provide tears of joy while they clap fervently for the new mothers,” added Mr. Dobson.

Focus on the Family will continue to enjoy their tax-exempt status, even after the buildouts.

This was written by Clay Sander for The Daily Blank. It is licensed under an Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. If you love it, please re-post the complete article (including this blurb) on your site. We'd be flattered.