Apple CEO Steve Jobs unveiled the latest innovation for the Apple family on Thursday.  Dubbed the iPon, Apple has redesigned the concept of mobile communications by installing a Bluetooth capable cell phone in a tampon.

“This redesigns the entire concept of mobile communications.” Jobs said, “The iPon gets universal coverage across 97% of the country and also protects you from spotting.”

“The iPon bridges the divide between cell phones and sanitary napkins, giving people an experience that other devices can’t provide.” Jobs said.

The world’s first Tampon/Phone combination is said to run not on batteries, but your body.  The tiny device, once inserted, draws power from the bio-electric energy that the human body produces.

“If you start to get low reception or a weak battery, just start rubbing your thighs together.” Jobs said.

Bluetooth capability allows freedom and mobility for on the go users.  It’s this “hands free” feature that has Apple fanatics buzzing.

“Bluetooth is essential for my daily life.” Apple devotee and longtime vagina owner Elissa Rempfer said, “If I had to reach into my pants every time my phone rang, it would be such a hassle.  I’m so glad Apple has finally made my vagina hands free!”

Jobs was quick to point out that the Bluetooth is just an option, and that the iPon can be used as a typical phone would be, held directly to the ear.

“I can just imagine some late night drunk dialing on the iPon.” Jobs said.  “Be careful who you let near your iPon!”

Some technical specs had Apple critics wondering about the viability of the iPon.

“Does this mean we can only use it one week out of the month?” consumer watchdog Lori Rakoski said.  “What if I use birth control to skip my period entirely, does that mean I can’t use the iPon at all?”

The question of non-menstruating usage was posed to Jobs.  He assured all that the product was usable “at all times of the month and in all orifices, male or female”.

“We don’t discriminate against our customers.” Jobs said. “The iPon can be inserted anally as easily as it can be inserted in the Nappy Dugout.”

Jobs discussed a vision that includes iPon vending machines in bathrooms and Best Buys across America.

“If you’re on the crapper and have a spare $499 in your wallet, you can pick up the latest invasive mobile technology.” Jobs said.

Plans for furthur miniaturization are already underway.

“Always looking to get smaller.” Jobs said. “The next gen is going to be called the iRethra.  The boys in R&D are anxious to get started on that one.”

This was written by Joe Slepski for The Daily Blank. It is licensed under an Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. If you love it, please re-post the complete article (including this blurb) on your site. We'd be flattered.