Police investigators are trying to identify the individual or individuals responsible for soliciting staff members at Chicago public radio station WBEZ to undertake a series of increasingly dangerous stunts in order to raise funds for the cash-strapped station.  By the time authorities intervened to halt Saturday’s on-air pledge drive , over fifty thousand dollars in additional funding had been secured, leaving one intern dead and four staff members critically injured.

“It all began with a challenge grant of $500,” said WBEZ President Torey Malatia.  “One caller offered an extra $500 if we could get twenty-five new listeners to join in the next half hour.  Since it was during ‘Car Talk,’ we were able to accomplish that easily.  And then this same caller kept calling back, again and again, raising the stakes each time.  Before we knew what was happening, Jim Nayder’s blood was on the studio walls and the police scuba team had been notified.  It was horrible.”

According to reports, the initial challenge grants appeared fairly benign.  For an extra thousand dollars in pledge money, ‘Sound Opinions‘ host Jim DeRogatis was asked to wear a large placard that read “Will Krump for Food” while dancing to the song “Ice Ice Baby” at the corner of Milwaukee and Damen Avenues in Chicago’s Wicker Park neighborhood.  As of Sunday afternoon, doctors were unsure whether DeRogatis will suffer permanent brain damage following the severe beating he received at the hands of bottle-wielding thugs.

“At first, I was sickened, but do you know what a thousand dollars means for our show?” said ‘Sound Opinions’ co-host Greg Kot.  “It means we’ll finally be able to have our Monkees film festival at the Music Box Theatre.  Even if Jim doesn’t fully recover from his injuries, I’m sure he’d agree that it was totally worth it.”

Later that afternoon, the same caller offered fifty thousand dollars in additional funding if correspondent Tony Sarabia would introduce ‘This American Life‘ host Ira Glass on the air as ‘The Gayest-Sounding Heterosexual in All of Broadcasting ’.  He agreed to, and during the melee that followed between Sarabia and Glass, Jim Nayder, the host of ‘The Annoying Music Show!’ was accidentally stabbed about the neck, head and pelvic areas with a fountain pen.  For his involvement in the brawl, Sarabia was treated for a torn ear as well as a lacerated tongue, while Glass suffered over two-dozen bite marks on his arms and torso.  All three were rushed to Northwestern Memorial Hospital where they remain in intensive care.

“It was then that we realized that things were getting out of control,” said chief operating officer Donna Moore.  “Out of desperation, I ripped the donor telephone out of the wall … but it kept ringing.  Why did it keep ringing?”

According to witnesses, managing director Julie Shapiro reluctantly picked up the telephone receiver.

“The caller explained that in order to receive $500,000, we would have to raise an additional $50,000 from our listeners during ‘Wait, Wait … Don’t Tell Me!’ or have a staff member swim out to the Chicago Breakwater Lighthouse at the end of Navy Pier,” said Shapiro.  “Since everyone knows there’s no way that the twelve people who listen to ‘Wait, Wait’ could raise that kind of money, we locked our interns in a room and had them cast lots to see who would make the swim.  Robin Crawford drew the short straw.”

At the time Crawford entered the water, the surface temperature of Lake Michigan was a chilly fifty-two degrees, according to the National Weather Service, with a small craft advisory in effect.

“All I heard Robin say before she jumped into the lake was, ‘I love you, Garrison Keillor!” said producer Heidi Goldfein. “May God have mercy on our souls for sacrificing her!”

Police scuba divers recovered Crawford’s waterlogged body several hours later.

“We’re not sure whether WBEZ will survive,” said Malatia during a hastily organized press conference on Sunday afternoon.  “The police still don’t know who was behind all of this: perhaps it was a psychotic listener or a bloodthirsty Air America radio personality or maybe even Rush Limbaugh himself.  All I know is that I will never be able to listen to the radio again.”

This was written by Mitchell Snyder for The Daily Blank. It is licensed under an Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. If you love it, please re-post the complete article (including this blurb) on your site. We'd be flattered.