The NBA season is only days away, but this year the city of Chicago will not be represented.  At a press conference Thursday afternoon, Bulls general manager Gar Forman, along with the president of NBC Universal Jeff Zucker, announced plans for a 2010 summer blockbuster starring the Chicago Bulls.

Many insiders speculated that the young Bulls team was still a year or two away from becoming legitimate contenders for an NBA Championship. Instead of following the usual path for blossoming teams, full of tough lessons and growing pains, they will forgo the NBA season and pursue development through a series of montages.

“I think this could be something like the Dirty Dozen meets the Harlem Globetrotters, and I am very excited that Gar was willing to let us borrow the team for the season,” said Zucker.

The Bulls organization was quick to defend its unorthodox decision.

“When I took over the GM role in May, we realized that this team isn’t ready to win an NBA title, but an Oscar or at least a Golden Globe is definitely not out of the question. Try to look at this team and not see a great buddy movie,” Forman dared reporters.

The film will center on a group of ex-Navy SEALS who travel around the Middle East in a van, neutralizing terrorist organizations through games of pick-up basketball. While the studio was vague on details of the plot for Make it Take it (working title) they were more than happy to outline some roles for the players.

Last season’s rookie of the year and possible Gangster Disciple, Derrick Rose, will play the street-smart kid trying to balance his leadership role with his inner turmoil of becoming a man. Power forward Tyrus Thomas is set to fill the role of Rose’s best friend, who gives it all he has but, in the end, just doesn’t have enough to thwart the terrorist cell. John Salmons, the no-nonsense, hard-working shooting guard who had a big impact in last season’s playoff series, was handed the part of the black guy who dies in the first 20 minutes.

Zucker said one of the reasons Universal Pictures was so eager to do the project was the ease of casting some of the players.

“This thing basically wrote itself. We needed a goofy stoner to drive the van and get the group into some crazy situations. Have you ever seen Joakim Noah? How about a nerdy weapons technician who comes up with wacky inventions to save this rag tag bunch of hoodlums? I honestly can’t tell the difference between Data from The Goonies and Kirk Hinrich,” the Universal president said gleefully.

Other players will have smaller parts. Luol Deng will be in much of the beginning of the movie but will likely disappear somewhere around the half-way mark. Centers Brad Miller and Aaron Gray will have to share a role due to Screen Actors Guild bylaws that limit motion pictures to only one seven-foot manchild per film.  Veteran guard Lindsey Hunter has already been promised the essential action movie line about getting too old for this shit. The rookie forward tandem of Taj Gibson and James Johnson will have only a few lines but they should help advance the story.

One member of the Bulls will be missing:  the studio didn’t find head coach Vinny Del Negro believable as the Commanding Officer, and hoped to bring in Gene Hackman instead. Hackman balked at the role and it was given to Craig T. Nelson.

“It’s hard to predict how much this film will take in at the box office, but I am certain it will gross more than Rim Job,” Zucker said, comparing the upcoming picture with the universally panned 2001 heist-film starring Shaquille O’Neil and Kobe Bryant.

This was written by Charlie Stone for The Daily Blank. It is licensed under an Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. If you love it, please re-post the complete article (including this blurb) on your site. We'd be flattered.