The world’s top astronomers gathered in Paris, France on Wednesday for an emergency meeting of the International Astronomical Union. The IAU, recognized for its authority for assigning designations to celestial bodies, met to discuss the uncharted recent developments regarding moon patterns.

“Despite our incredibly accurate and virtually infallible understanding of the moon and its phases, we’ve been notified of a developing New Moon. It’s beyond explanation,” said IAU President Catherine Cesarsky. Moon phases and other celestial activity, which have been observed and documented since as early as the Mayan civilization, has been largely reliable and unchanging.

“It’s actually quite a frightening phenomenon. In fact, last year we even documented an enhanced and extended period of Twilight. This period was especially alarming because we saw a drastic spike in occurrences of hysteria and other notably odd behavior- predominantly in adolescent girls and a …particular selection of males,” added Cesarsky. “With the re-emergence of that same behavior, we’ve been led to link it to the unexpected changes in celestial bodies.”

The public, and young girls in particular,  have been warned to take caution in the coming days, especially upon exposure to the mysterious New Moon.  “It almost sounds like something from a sci fi novel or a movie.  What’s next?  Werewolves and vampires?” said father of two John Gratton.  “And I’d rather err on the side of caution until this is resolved.  I’ll have careful watch over my sons Jacob and Edward until then,”  added Gratton.

In an effort to better understand the unexpected occurrences, members of the IAU have begun diligently tracking celestial bodies that were once believed to be highly predictable. “We believe that we’ve already discovered a particularly alarming Eclipse in 2010,” noted Cesarsky. “And with each new Breaking Dawn we can only hope these terrifying changes end soon and with little harm done.”

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