With the war in Afghanistan now eight years old and leads on terrorist Osama Bin Laden drying up, U.S. Armed Forces officials have indicated that it may be time to reassess their efforts and shift the focus to tracking down another long-escaped criminal fugitive, Carmen Sandiego.

“Look, it’s no secret that Afghanistan has largely been a bust. It’s now been eight years and little has been accomplished. Bin Laden’s gone and we’re probably never going to find him. So it’s high time we shift our focus and track down the original terrorist fugitive…this Carmen Sandiego,” Obama said.

While Bin Laden did mastermind the 9/11 attacks, Carmen Sandiego has been orchestrating daring terrorist acts for nearly thirty years. The head of the famed V.I.L.E. criminal syndicate, Sandiego is like most terrorists in that she pays little mind to money, diamonds, or other valuables, instead making it her priority to hit countries where it hurts the most: stealing entire cities and geographical regions.

One of her most daring crimes occurred in 1990 when she stole the “Seoul from South Korea,” referring to her theft of the highly populated business hub of Korea and site of the 1988 Summer Olympic Games. She was also able to slip detection en route to stealing the Mekong from the jungle, an entire region of Vietnam. All told, Sandiego’s heists includ national parks, historical landmarks, and notable exports, once making off with “all the sushi in Japan.”

Sandiego has eluded authorities for decades, largely in part due to the relative inexperience of those tasked with bringing her to justice. That group included the now-defunct law enforcement agency, the Acme Detective Unit, a crime fighting force comprised largely of enthusiastic, pre-pubescent geography students.

“Sure, some people thought it was foolish to use children to bring a criminal mastermind to justice. But we thought it would help encourage an interest in geography,” said a retired Acme official known only as “The Chief.”

In addition to these eager youngsters, the Acme unit also utilized the services of a group of flamboyant a cappella singers known as “Rockapella.”

“I’m not sure why an a cappella choir has anything to do with tracking down fugitives, but those lyrics had so many catchy puns. They were sort of infectious,” added the Chief.

For President Obama and the Department of Defense, the shift to hunting Sandiego seemed like a natural choice.

“Look, Bin Laden is one of the most notorious terrorists in our nation’s history. He orchestrated the single most devastating attack in U.S. history. But he can’t hold a candle to Sandiego. I mean, how she was able to steal an entire city with a population of 10 million is beyond me.”

Obama and his military cabinet gave little indication as to how they plan to mount this offensive. But they did acknowledge that unlike the mistakes they made with Bin Laden, the Sandiego offensive will take some good old fashion gumshoe detective work, along with an advanced knowledge of global geography and elementary-level history.

Head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Admiral Michael Mullin is currently working on the operational game plan for tracking down the terrorist. “We learned from our mistakes with Bin Laden. Our lack of knowledge in the areas of simple geography clearly made the difference. With Sandiego, we will be steadfast in our knowledge of fifth grade level history and basic facts on countries, capital cities and mountains and rivers.”

Obama concluded, “I have no doubt in my mind that Al Queda and Osama Bin Laden are in a cave somewhere planning the next terrorist attack, perhaps one far exceeding the scope and horror of 9/11. But for me, I’d be more worried about Carmen Sandiego making off with Mt. Rushmore than some silly suicide bomber any day of the week.”

This was written by Jack Mulligan for The Daily Blank. It is licensed under an Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. If you love it, please re-post the complete article (including this blurb) on your site. We'd be flattered.