Mike Lebovitz doesn't think of himself as a guy with a beard and neither should you.

“Lose the Cat Stevens beard!”

That’s what the booker/owner told me Thursday afternoon as I walked into his comedy club. “You look like a terrorist.”

“I look like a terrorist?” I asked. “I’m Jewish. I don’t want to bring down America; I run this place.”

I was immediately surprised at my response. First, it’s weird to suggest that you “run” any place—let alone the most powerful country in the history of the world—when you’ve rolled into a town to do five shows, hoping that the sweaty gripful of wrinkled bills you’ll be clutching when you leave will cover gas and tolls back home.

Second, I was taken aback by my reasoning: I “run shit” because I’m Jewish. Am I?

I don’t spend much time thinking about whether or not I’m Jewish. It seems more important to other people. I can take it or leave it, really.

The first time I walked onstage and announced that even though my name is Lebovitz, “I’m actually only HALF Jewish,” some guy in the back yelled, “Good!”

I wasn’t sure what he meant by that, but I do know that when he offered to buy me a drink after the show, I took a raincheck.

Being half Jewish, I’ve always been able to choose whether or not to be Jewish based on the situation. For example, I remember being 11 years old and learning that Hebrew School starts at 8:00 am on Saturdays.

“Fuck,” I thought to myself, “Glad I’m not Jewish.”

But then, when I got a little bit older, I discovered there’s a whole breed of women who only date Jewish guys. I’m not talking about the phantom “nice Jewish girls” our mothers want us to marry (I assume, I don’t have a Jewish mother), I’m referring to a class of gentiles who are powerless in the face of my Semitic good looks.

Some people call them “shiksas”; I call them angels. I like them because they like me, automatically. They’re my type because, well…because I’m their type. I can’t take credit, but I sure can take advantage. Whenever I meet one of them, all of a sudden, I’m Jewish.

Choosing to invoke my Abrahamic heritage to get girls makes sense, but why do it to defend my beard? I like girls, but the beard just showed up uninvited— a patch of neglect, a visual manifestation of my own sloth.

Like roaches in my apartment, it just serves as an occasional (though usually overlooked) reminder that I still don’t know how to take care of myself.

It’s a mistake, an accident, and as with all of my shortcomings, I’m generally oblivious to it.
Some guy asked me how long it took me to grow the beard.

My response: “I’m not sure, I didn’t even know I had one.”

While I sometimes think of myself as Jewish—even though I’m not—I never think of myself as bearded, even though I am. That’s weird, right?

I’ll choose to identify with my ethnicity, something that I had no say in whatever. But having hair on my face, something that’s a direct result of my actions (or in this case, inaction), I won’t own up to.

I don’t view the beard as something that I did, it’s just something that happened. I like to accept things the way that they are, which is more Zen than Jewish, really.

What I’m really into is any kind of New Age-y spiritual shit. Power of Now? Can’t get enough of it. That stuff is great! When I fully commit to the Now, when I completely surrender to the present moment, all the stress in my life evaporates.

Slept through my alarm? No worries, I just wasn’t meant to show up to work on time. Don’t be mad at me, I’m just allowing the Divine Will of the Universe to unfold.

You might as well yell at the bee for making honey, the sunset for being red, the Cubs for losing. Yeah, I’m late. I’m Mike Lebovitz, that’s what I do.

So if you want to sleep with me because of my association with a group of people I had nothing to do with, that’s cool. But if you want me to pick up a Bic from time to time and make myself presentable, well then you can step aside—we’ve got to keep the line moving, Ladies.

I asked one of the shiksas why she only dates Jewish guys and she told me it’s because she thinks that they are smarter than other guys. I have to admit it makes sense. When everyone is trying to systematically to eliminate your race over thousands of years, the dumb ones – they don’t make it.

I imagine the first thing the Nazis did was put on a disguise, go into the ghetto and announce that they were having a Hanukah party.

All the dumb Jews would have just said, “Oh boy! Hope they have some of those chocolate gold coins!”

But the smart Jews would have been a little more cautious: “Ahh, you guys have fun at the party, I think I’m just going to hop it to the New World, maybe go control the media.”

Jews might “run shit” now, but they sure haven’t always. From ancient Egypt to Medieval Spain to Nazi Germany, their herd was culled, and plenty of my persecuted ancestors’ brothers and sisters didn’t get to pass on their genes.

This culled herd, this hyper-intelligent race, is the group to which I sometimes choose to claim membership. Sometimes. If it’s convenient.

That maybe sounds a little harsh, but I can say it. After all, I’m Jewish.

Mike Lebovitz is a standup comic and Chicago native. He co-produces The Early Weekend Show at The Holiday Club on the third Thursday of every month. He will be recording a comedy DVD this Thursday, September 24th @ The Chicago Center for the Performing Arts.

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