OK. Come on people. What is it with this whole vampire thing?

Yes, Brad Pitt was great in Interview With The Vampire. And I have a childhood friend who still soils himself at the very mention of the movie Dracula. Apparently, seeing hundreds of human bodies impaled on sharpened wooden stakes is frightening to a young child’s newly formed psyche (especially with pansies like this guy).

So why do I have the taste of garlic in my mouth, you ask? Maybe it’s because I’m a child of the nineties, but I think there was something innocent and wholesome to our vampirical past. Back then, kitsch and novelty were cutely self-conscious and honest ideals that popular culture emulated with reckless ease. Back then, vampires used to be freaky and intriguing to me.

Maybe that’s because I was twelve.

Now there’s a whole new batch of pop-vampirity to get your blood boiling: Moonlight, Twilight, Angel, the horribly mundane Underworld franchise, and last but not certainly least, the ubiquitous Buffy. Just create a  _X_light show and you’ll see your bank account swell to the size of your mom’s eyes when she caught you stroking your stake to HBO’s Vampire Vixens from Hell. Speaking of HBO, they even have something for the eager adult vampire worshiper: True Blood.

With so many in America having been ‘bitten’, is there no one left with blood enough in their brains to question and dissent this recent resurrection of something that should have been left to die in its coffin? Though it pains me, I must ask a very real and direct question: America, what is the point of all this stupid vampire shit?

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Well, with all the new and superbly awesome vampire shows coming out, you might not even have time enough to answer.

I digress:

From the BBC there’s Fang You Very Much, a very silly comedy about a couple of twenty-something vampires who bumble their way through life’s usual travails: relationships, apartments, which career to choose, who ate who- it’s all very silly really.

There’s also a show from the Food Network entitled Blood Sausage Encounters. Hosted by Bobby Flay (let’s face it- he just looks like a vampire), it features a three-stop tour of America’s blood-sausage parlors. The coup de grace at the end is a ritual blood-letting followed by an entrails and viscera feast. If it’s anything like Man Vs. Food, I’d gladly be sacrificed!

Last but not least is TLC’s Vlad and Kate plus 4. It turns out that Kate (what a bitch) has remarried a charming and handsome investment banker who, crazily enough, is a vampire. For those who might be wondering about the other four adorable children not making an appearance, a couple of ‘em disappeared since filming began and so a name change was necessary. Don’t miss the season finale!

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Rolling back their sleeves (and their collars), the studios are churning out show after show about vampires. It’s all in good fun right? There’s nothing sinister lurking behind our innermost desires to bite people’s necks and speak with ridiculous Eastern European accents……

Unless.

What if Osama Bin Laden were really a vampire? Just think, all this pop culture nonsense, all this ridiculousness could be a subtle yet powerfully subversive marketing campaign jump-started by the bearded one himself! His aim? Nothing but the effective vampirification of infidels everywhere! So that’s why that guy hides out in caves all the time……

Well I, for one, will not stand idly by and let this happen in my America. Anytime I see a little girl with a Stephanie Myers book, I’m going to grab it from her, run like hell, and light the damn thing on fire.

What would happen, you might ask, were I to face Osama himself, his pointy fangs growing longer as they neared my jugular? Truth is, I’d probably pass out. And then he’d bite me and I’d become the very thing I was trying to destroy. How cruel and ironic. And TV movie-ish.

Well, I guess if you can’t beat ‘em, bite ‘em. Pass the platelets!

This was written by Jared Scott for The Daily Blank. It is licensed under an Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. If you love it, please re-post the complete article (including this blurb) on your site. We'd be flattered.