Casting aside less pressing matters such as the 12 billion dollar budget deficit, the Illinois State Legislature on Friday zeroed in on what some have called the most fundamental problem currently plaguing the State of Illinois: wet bowling shoes.

“Wet bowling shoes continue to wreak havoc at our state’s bowling alleys. Retarded people go outside to smoke and when they come back in, they slip and fall and sue the owners,” said State Sen. Donne Trotter (D-Chicago).

Accordingly, a bill was passed on Friday by the State Legislature that would make it harder for injured wearers of wet bowling shoes to sue alley owners.

“That’s all fine and dandy, we don’t want frivolous lawsuits,” said Trotter. “But aside from annoying small courts claims, the real issue at hand is that those fucking things just smell.”

“When I go to a bowling alley, I want to have a good time you know,” said Trotter. “That includes being able to wear a pair of shoes that don’t smell like my asshole.”

Other lawmakers happily agreed.

“Oh god, whenever I bowl, which is quite frequently I might add, I just dread putting those things on. I feel like I’m slipping my feet into a festering hunk of brie,” said one representative.

On the never-ending line of lawsuits over injured wet bowling shoe wearers, lawmakers were divided.

Many sided with the owners of the alleys, citing that inappropriate use of the shoes could not constitute grounds for a lawsuit.

Others, however, expressed sympathy for the injured.

“The problem with this outrageous piece of legislation is that those damn shoes ARE slippery, even when they’re not wet,” said State Sen. Larry Bomke (R-Springfield). “I know I’m not the only one to fall like a jackass when I accidentally crossed that stupid lane line.”

“Perhaps we should be enacting legislation requiring alley owners to increase the traction of the tread on their damn shoes,” said Bomke.

Despite a small measure of dissent, the bill passed 51-4 in favor of supporting the measure, with an added provision that alley owners eliminate the horribly noxious stench of their shoes.

To do this, the provision requires alley owners to immerse recently wetted shoes in a vat of hydrochloric acid for a minimum of one week. This process is designed to eliminate the chunks of wet foot goober. They then must be dried in a specially designed  ‘shoe kiln’.

Lawmakers are optimistic of the bill’s intended results.

“Sure there will be a long turnaround with the shoes, but we think this ensures that everyone has a safe and positive bowling experience,” said Trotter. “I can think of no finer and more noble a way to direct my legislative energies.”

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