The Chicago City Council approved an ordinance on Monday that would make it more costly, even prohibitive, for those deemed unattractive to continue living in the city while granting a wide variety of benefits based on a person’s level of attractiveness.

Dubbed “the beautification bill” by its supporters, the ordinance would increase property taxes on less attractive property owners and landlords with ugly tenants.

Those considered mildly passable or even “doable” would be taxed at a marginal rate. The more attractive among us would pay no taxes and could even receive cash stipends from the city if they’re “really hot.”

Opponents said the bill was unconstitutional and unfair to those who suffer from genetics or longtime exposure to gravity.

“So what if someone isn’t all that attractive, or maybe they used to be attractive back in the day but are past their prime. Are we going to treat them like dirt and force them to move out of the city?” asked Ald. Ginny Gerald (57th).

She noted that if the bill is allowed to stand, most aldermen would have to move to the suburbs.

Yet most aldermen agreed with Mayor Richard M. Daley, who proposed the ordinance, that a more attractive populace would draw more tourists and could help in the city’s bid to host the summer Olympics in 2016.

“I know I’m supposed to say that people are people but let’s face it, guys like hot chicks,” Daley said. “Women like hot dudes, there’s nothing wrong with that.”

Daley was careful to point out that the ordinance made no distinction based on gender orientation.

“Look I don’t care which way you swing your putter, people like scenery,” Daley said. “Whether it’s nice looking buildings or good-looking people, things like that just make the city a better place to live.”

Dr. Zachary Ornstein, law professor at Northwestern University, said the most constitutionally risky part of the plan would be the establishment of a Beautification Bureau to determine each person’s level of attractiveness. He used local TV news broadcasters as an example.

“Beauty is certainly within the eye of the beholder so that’s pretty arbitrary. I mean, if we’re talking about someone like Jackie Bange, Kathy Brock or Zoraida Sambolin that’s obvious, they’re total babes. I don’t think any court in the land would deny that,” Ornstein said. “Now, if we’re talking about Rob Johnson or Mike Barz, well, most judges are men so they might have a harder time with that. I’m not into dudes, by the way.”

Here’s a real story: Tourism and Beautification Projects at Urban Economics Forum

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