President Barack Obama’s economic team, led by Larry Summers, Director of the National Economic Council, revealed today that as a result of various “facts” stemming from the so-called stress tests for leading commercial banks, the government has decided to ban negative numbers from future official reports. When asked how this would affect basic mathematics dating back to Sumerian cuneiform ca. 3000 BC, Mr. Summers stated, “You know, the entire universe of negative numbers has been unduly emphasized during the recent economic crisis. We’ve decided that the best course of action is to ignore what are really just deviant positives. As a result, the country will have no choice but to carry on in-line with our forecast of indefinite 4% GDP growth.” Secretary of the Treasury Timothy Geithner was seen sucking his thumb and shaking his head in the briefing room corner.

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