The Daily Blank

High Five: Midterminal

1. On Tuesday, Rep. Chris Van Hollen (D-MD) told reporters the GOP should put a cork in all the rhetoric about a repeat of the 1994 midterm elections, when Democrats suffered huge losses. “I think our Republican colleagues are prematurely measuring the curtains in their new offices and prematurely popping the champagne bottles,” said Van Hollen. Today, a Washington bondage club said “putting a cork in it” won’t scare the GOP since they’re “into that sorta thing.”

2. Wilma Mankiller, the first woman to ever hold the position of Chief in the Cherokee tribe died on Tuesday at the age of 64. She was survived by no men.

3. While appearing on Oprah Tuesday, Tina Fey turned the tables by asking Oprah a hard hitting question. “What is going on with you and Jamie Foxx?” asked Fey, regarding a recent appearance by Foxx. “Because I feel like he might be in love with you.” Oprah said she was caught off guard but impressed by Fey’s question. Oprah then tore Fey’s head clean off.

4. Republican Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell announced that April will be “Confederate History Month.” Gov. McDonnell will hold a celebration later in the month featuring appearances by Harlem Globetrotter rivals the Washington Generals, event sponsor Kleenex, and music by a single violin.

5. As a special thank you for treating his wife’s cancer, golfer Phil Mickelson brought Dr. Tom Buchholz on as a caddy at the Shell Houston Open. “This man has helped us through some of the toughest times that we’ve gone through,” said Mickelson. As a special treat for helping him through tough times, Tiger Woods has apparently brought along to the Masters the retail staff of Boner’s Adult Video Store in his hometown of Windermere, FL.

High five.

Local NPR affiliate targets Chicagoland cab drivers

cabbie Kairu Orengo remembers exactly what originally brought him to National Public Radio (NPR).

“It was Kelly Clarkson,” explained the 37 year-old Kenyan-born Chicago cab driver. “It was that damn ‘Since You’ve Been Gone’ song. For one full year, it played on a loop across the FM radio. It drove me mad. Then one morning, I caught myself singing it in the shower. At that moment, I drew a line in the sand and said: ‘Enough is enough!”

Since that day, Orengo says that in his cab, it’s all NPR all the time. And as it turns out, his story is not unusual.

In fact, a year-long marketing study shows that, while many traditional NPR listeners have turned to XM and Sirius radio over the last decade, Chicago’s 7,000 cab drivers combined listen to nearly 16 million hours of WBEZ 91.5 FM, Chicago’s local NPR affiliate, each year. Now WBEZ is listening to them.

“This study really opened our eyes to how important cab drivers are to us,” explained Sophie Collison, WBEZ’s Vice President of Marketing. “They account for nearly 37 percent of our annual listening hours. So, we are immediately shifting both our programming focus and advertising strategy to better suit and satisfy the cabbies who are listening to us.”

WBEZ spent weeks conducting focus groups with local cab drivers; on Tuesday afternoon, Collison outlined some of the changes coming to the station.

On the programming front, WBEZ will be both amending current programs as well as offering new content. For instance, the popular, long-running auto repair show Car Talk will soon be offering a weekly segment on how to fix broken credit card machines.

Three new shows are in the works as well.

The first, a sports program tentatively entitled, It Grows on You, will run in the fall and offer a weekly crash course on the rules and appeal of American football.

Additionally, two “self-help” programs will soon reach the airwaves. The first will be a Pop Psychology program entitled Irish Car Bombs, modeled on a “Dr. Phil approach,” will provide listeners with guidance on how to better communicate with drunk people. The other new program, under the working title, Spring Will Come, is aimed at helping listeners cope with Chicago winters.

All three topics were emphatically expressed as areas of interest by cab drivers.

“These men, they run into each other, but most of them never get to touch the ball,” Orengo explained. “I just don’t get the big deal. Also, what is this Jaeger Bomb the men in my cab are so often shouting about?”

Of course, new commercial sponsors will be sought to complement WBEZ’s new strategy.

Little-Trees, Inc., the world’s leading producer of automobile air fresheners, has already entered a significant new sponsorship agreement with WBEZ.

“From our French Vanilla to our signature Evergreen tree, no one has more enthusiasm for our products or more loyalty to our company than cab drivers,” explained Sam Kerruish, Little-Trees’ Chief Marketing Officer. “This is our moment to reach them.”

The next step is lining up the next wave of sponsors.

“Based on our market research, there are certain industries we are targeting. In particular, our listeners seem most interested in caffeinated beverages, wireless headsets, and gas stations that don’t mind making change for $20s.”

High Five: Top Shun

1. In a recent Newsweek interview, Arizona Sen. John McCain says he’s never considered himself a maverick. “I consider myself a person who serves the people of Arizona to the best of his abilities,” said McCain. McCain later clacked his dentures at a Tucson crowd and announced he’s more of an “Iceman.”

2. On Sunday, New York Catholic Archbishop Timothy Dolan addressed the sexual abuse scandal saying, “Nobody nowhere has confronted this crisis… better than the Catholic Church.” Read all about it in this month’s issue of Awkward Double Negative Usage Magazine.

3. A Vanderbilt college pitcher suffered a horrific injury this weekend against Florida when a line drive ricocheted off his knee cap, splitting it in two. The left-handed pitcher somehow managed to make an amazing defensive play despite the injury. Today in the ER, the Chicago Cubs signed the pitcher to a lucrative multi-year deal.

4. A report released by Facebook shows that of the 400 million people who make up the social network only 30% live within the US. Today the United States tried capitalizing on the report by creating the Facebook group “If This Page Gets One Million Fans, The US Will Rename Its Constitution Skeletor.”

5. On Saturday, about two dozen women marched topless in Portland, Maine to promote equality among the sexes. “A topless woman out in public shouldn’t attract any more attention than a man who walks around without a shirt,” said the groups organizer. And the 500 male supporters who had gathered around them enthusiastically agreed.

High five.

Redeye gives up; reprints “Highlights Magazine”

The Redeye, a Chicago Tribune publication distributed free in Chicago is changing its format. Foregoing any similarities to a “newspaper” the Redeye will begin reprinting old issues of Highlights Magazine, starting Monday.

Redeye General Manager Kurt Mueller released a statement Tuesday, regarding the format change.

“I read our page four ‘editorial’ on March 11th, 2010 and decided to just give up. The piece was entirely about one of our ‘editors’ who gets unwanted whistles thrown her way by passersby.” said Mueller. “At that moment, I thought either give up calling this a newspaper or eat a bullet.”

Also included in that issue of Redeye was a full page obituary of 80’s teen star, Corey Haim.

“When I got to the full page for Corey… well, earlier in the issue we devoted 1/3 of a page to a Cicero fire where 7 people had died. A full page for a drug addled waste of talent and 1/3 page for a true hero and innocent lives lost in an arson.” Mueller continued. “I was this close to climbing a chair and scribbling “Mueller was here” on the ceiling before hanging myself.”

Thankfully, Mueller was instead struck with divine inspiration.

“We obviously have a readership.” Mueller said. ”Since they’ve been accepting the pap we’ve given them, they must have the reading skills of a grade schooler.”

“Every grade school kid loves Highlights, except for Goofus of course!” Mueller continued, referring to the long running comic strip Goofus and Gallant. “So let’s be a Gallant and give them what they want. Sophomoric crap, poorly drawn pictures and large font!”

Highlights is a mainstay in grade schools and dentists offices across America. It contains games and puzzles, crafting ideas and human interest stories targeted at their man demo of kids ages 6-12.

“Which is exactly the reading level of our regular readers.” Mueller said. “Considering the Redeye regularly features puzzles, crafting ideas and unimportant human interest stories, I feel it’s a match made in Heaven.”

The Redeye will continue to be published as a daily paper, while Highlights is a monthly. When asked about the very real concern of running out of fresh material to reprint, Mueller responded.

“Oh, we didn’t lease the entire Highlights catalogue. No, we only got about 21 issues. The plan is to just keep running repeats, our readers will never know. They have the attention span of a hyperactive 3 year old.”

Originally designed to be a paper similar in flavor to USA Today, The Redeye seemed to stay focused on the original mission statement.

“That’s where our probem started.” Mueller continued. “We began emulating USA Today. For gosh sakes, the USA Today! That’s not a very high standard to set for ourselves.”

“It’s kind of like being a fantastic Rich Little impersonator. You’re not Rich Little, and you can’t impersonate Reagan or Carson like Rich Little, but you do sound a little bit like Rich Little himself.” Mueller said. “I don’t know anyone who’s interested in seeing a Rich Little impersonator.”

Redeye editors and writers were unavailable for comment via email, notes passed in 4th period math, or slowly spoken English.

Lonely Americans saddened 2010 Census is barely interested in their lives

census Hundreds of thousands of lonely American citizens, consistently ignored by their neighbors, co-workers, and families, found some potential solace when they received a postcard from the Federal Government earlier this year indicating even they would be contacted as part of the U.S 2010 Census.

Upon learning that someone held an interest in who they were and what their lives were like, socially inept outcasts and the perpetually ignored citizens across the country waited with anticipation for the census forms to arrive.

As required by the Constitution, the U.S. Census is charged with counting every resident in the United States, even those citizens that nobody cares about. The questions are limited to collecting information about residents’ names, address, age, sex, and race in order to properly allocate federal funds targeted towards public works projects, hospitals, schools, and emergency services.

Having no common bond with anyone around her, Sarah Feldman, a lonely Chicago area resident, was excited to open up her newly arrived correspondence and eager to tell someone –anyone– about her personal attributes, anxious to share her hopes, dreams, and aspirations.

Unfortunately for Feldman’s fragile self image, the Census questionnaire was no more interested in her well-being, or what her summer plans were, than anyone else she may boldly claim as an acquaintance.

“This is it?” Feldman asked with disappointment, realizing that the form was limited to 10 simple questions, and not one was about how her day was going. “It’s like only a page long!”

Feldman was quick to notice that there was no place to tell anyone about her three cats, who she claimed are like children to her.

“I’d want to write about how cute they are when they wrestle or how this one time, when Mr. Kittles found The Big Bopper lounging in his warm spot in the kitch. . . ” Feldman said as this reporter lost interest.

“Also, it didn‘t ask what religion I was.” Feldman said. “I had just converted to the Seventh Day Adventists and now I’m much more at peace. By the way, have you found Jes–.”

Feldman was unable to offer anything else of substance but was intrigued that the Census form did ask for her phone number. She has since spent long hours sitting by the phone waiting for someone to call.

Census Bureau Director Robert Groves has been surprised at the pathetic responses from Americans that spanned cultural, racial, and educational backgrounds.

“The slogan for the 2010 US Census is ‘We can’t move forward until you mail it back,’” said Director Groves. “Although, it appears as though some of our solitary citizenry are having a great deal of difficulty moving forward.”

The Census Bureau reports having received tens of thousands of letters from shut-ins and the homebound hoping that the agency that resides within the Department of Commerce would soon write back.

“They are begging that we please ‘ask them something else. . . anything’,” Director Groves said. “We cannot be your pen pal.”

Additionally, many were further distraught to learn that the Census is only conducted once a decade and won’t be back in 2011.

“I was hoping a census worker would drop by maybe next year,” said Feldman, who hasn’t had a face to face conversation with anyone for three months due to being chronically homebound with agoraphobia. “No one ever came to see me this time. . . . someone please visit me.”

CTA introduces new Filth Enforcement department

In an attempt to address recent complaints about the cleanliness of its buses and rail cars, the Chicago Transit Authority unveiled plans Monday for its brand-new Department of Filth Enforcement, which will work to ensure that all CTA vehicles contain the proper amounts of garbage, disgusting bodily fluids, and individuals who are homeless or insane.

“We pride ourselves in listening to what our customers have to say,” said CTA President Richard Rodriguez. “It’s very important that our ridership can fully and completely abhor every single moment of their CTA experience. Unfortunately, we have recently allowed sanitary conditions to overpower the normal filthiness of our vehicles, and so a change had to be introduced.”

To guarantee that all 1,971 buses and 1,190 rail cars maintain at least the minimum standard of filth, the CTA will hire new workers to ride along as on-board Filth Technicians (FTs) and constantly monitor the surroundings for potential areas of cleanliness.

In the event that a vehicle does not comply with regulations, the FT will utilize one or more of the various industrial-grade filth-creating tools with which he or she will be equipped, officials said. Examples of such tools will include the Piss Mist® Spray Bottle, the Shit Shooter® Power Wash Assembly, and the Vomit Comet® Floor Wax Kit.

Large bags of trash will also be available for periodic distribution on all bus routes and rail cars, and all FTs will have emergency access to a special Random Homeless/Crazy Guy Hotline in case no qualifying person can be located.

According to officials, riders have been noticing the disturbing trend toward cleanliness for several weeks.

“It’s been the craziest thing,” said Cathy Steiner, a 34-year-old nanny from Roscoe Village. “Like when I went to work this morning, there were only a few old newspapers and a pool of vomit towards the back of the bus. And then on my way home, I didn’t notice anything except a really strange smell, kind of like when someone doesn’t take a bath for three months.”

“I called the CTA – again – to ask what was going on,” Steiner added. “They said they were working on the problem, and that I was welcome to help out if I wanted to. So when no one was looking, I changed my tampon and threw it under the seat in front of me.”

Bartender Tommy Young, 26, related a similar experience.

“There was a half-smoked joint on one of the seats when I got on the Green Line this afternoon,” Young said. “Other than that – oh, and maybe a couple plastic containers filled with urine – the rail was completely clean. It was unnerving. So I poured the rest of my Coke into a half-finished Subway sandwich bag, mashed it all up real good, and dumped it all over the floor.”

Officials said that the Chicago Transit Board plans to choose two new boardmembers this month to represent the Department of Filth Enforcement, bringing the total number of members to nine. According to Rodriguez, the planned changes should be “fully implemented” by the beginning of April.

If you notice unnaturally sanitary conditions on any CTA bus or rail car, you can call 1-888-YOUR-CTA or send an email to feedback@transitchicago.com.

High Five: Van Der Bleak

1. On Monday, James Van Der Beek and his ex-wife settled their divorce after a seven year marriage. Van Der Beek has been ordered to pay his ex-wife $7, 750 monthly in spousal support until 2012. Still no word on the reason for the split, but sources say she grew tired of his “rowboat in the middle of a lake” fantasy.

2. LL Cool J criticized Sarah Palin’s new show Real American Stories for plans to use an old interview with him from 2008. “Fox lifted an old interview I gave … & are misrepresenting to the public in order to promote Sarah Palins Show,” the former rapper tweeted Tuesday. However, in Fox’s defense, the old 2008 interview is also his newest.

3. Scientists say the Geneva Large Hadron Collider will help us see “the beginning” of the Universe, and early tests have been promising. There was however an awkward moment when the device allowed scientists to view God prior to the Big Bang — God quickly reached for a towel to cover himself and slammed his bathroom door.

4. A Pew Hispanic Center Survey being released Thursday says that 9 in 10 Hispanics plan to fill out the 2010 Census, despite rumors nationwide that people are foregoing the process because of anti-government sentiment. According to statistics, Hispanics, who makes up 15% of the nation’s population, historically tend not to participate in censuses. Hispanic leaders though say this time around they’re going to focus their organization efforts by piling all the finished forms into a big truck.

5. Earlier this month the RNC sent out a fundraising mailer that mistakenly listed a phone sex number that led callers to a “nasty girl who will do anything you want.” RNC officials apologized and said they aren’t sure how Mark Foley’s number got on the mailer.

High five.

High Five: What Would Jesus Shoot?

1. This weekend, federal authorities arrested 8 members of a Michigan Christian militia they had been monitoring after learning of an “imminent threats against police.” Members had reportedly been undergoing paramilitary training, as well as learning how to shoot guns and construct explosive devices. Just like Jesus!

2. On Thursday, Sarah Palin’s new show “Real American Stories” will debut on Fox News. This will be a radical change from standard programming, say Fox News heads. “We’re excited to try real.”

3. Filling in for Glenn Beck on his radio program recently, Doc Thompson criticized the new tanning salon tax in the health care bill, calling it racist against whites since only light skinned people go tanning. So white people who go tanning to become darker skinned are complaining that they are the subject of racism? Welcome to the world of the darker skinned!

4. US auto regulators said on Tuesday that it has asked the help of engineers at NASA to assist in the recent safety issues of Toyota cars. NASA responded, saying they are obliged to help in anyway they can. Toyota President Akio Toyoda is scheduled to be shot into space early Wednesday.

5. A new website called Cool Conservative has started a line of clothing made specifically for people with conservative ideals. The line of hats, shirts and mugs display conservative messages such as “I’m a fiscal conservative.” Site founders say the gear is made in the “Good Ol’ USA” — their largest and most patriotic factory in China.

High five.

Area cows protest lactose intolerance

CowProtest2 A herd of dairy cows in unincorporated McHenry County staged a non-violent “milk-in” on Thursday to call attention to what they see as a rising trend of lactose intolerance across the country.

Chanting “Stop the hate, milk sugar is great!” and “Hey hey, ho ho, dairy haters have got to go!” the cows held up large placards and encouraged passing drivers to honk their horns in support.

According to reports, several million Americans suffer from an inability to digest the milk sugar lactose, which can lead to gastrointestinal discomfort, including bloating, cramps and diarrhea as well as an undeserved sense of entitlement. In recent years, an entire industry has arisen to cater to those deemed “lactose intolerant,” leading to hundreds of millions of dollars in sales.

“We can’t stand by while corporate America profits from such intolerance,” said Whinny, a four-year old Guernsey from nearby Wonder Cheese Farm and Market. “The makers of Lactaid should be tried for crimes against cowmanity!”

Along with chants, speeches and the ceremonial burning of an over-sized milk bucket, Thursday’s protest also featured a two-hour staged reading of “The Udder Dialogues” by animal playwright Moo Moo Milkshake.

Since lactose intolerance is believed to result from a combination of factors, including upbringing, genetics and dietary customs, it’s unclear what steps protesters can take to discourage it. As part of a recent “National Lactose Intolerance Awareness Day” held in Washington DC, dairy cows from around the country gathered on the steps of Capitol Hill to urge lawmakers to pass the “Lactose Acceptance and Ice Cream Subsidy Act”. While it’s expected that turning this bill into law will be difficult, the cows have already gained support from several high ranking Democrats.

“In the spirit of the great civil rights movement, the movement for equal rights for women, and the struggle for Adam Lambert to become the next American Idol, we intend to stand by our bovine brothers and sisters until they see justice,” said House of Representatives Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “Intolerance of any kind is un-American!”

‘Living every day as if it were his last’ leaves local man clinically depressed

Depression Man Since making his new year’s resolution to “experience life as if there were no tomorrow,” 34 year-old Overland Park resident Thomas Rittman instead has been driven to clinical depression with the knowledge that each day may very well be his last.

In an effort to “live life while he still could,” the former Payless Shoes store manager quit his job, sold most of his belongings, and planned to travel the world. It didn’t take long for Rittman to cancel his trip after becoming overwhelmed by a wave of hopelessness that this day might just be be his last day on earth.

“Why even bother?” asked Rittman, who has become so despondant he rarely gets out of bed anymore. “I could be dead tomorrow, for all I know.”

Things continued to get worse for Rittman after he went on a five-day atonement spree to clear the air with the people in his life. He opened up to his friends and associates about his past wrongdoings in hopes of being able to liberate himself and be worry free. Instead, he found that his confessions only made life more difficult.

Rittman admits to losing friends and family after confessing to his past efforts to sabotage careers, his spreading rumors about neighbors, his admitting to friends what he really thought of their wives, and his admission to some of the disturbing things he did in the stockroom at work.

“Well that didn’t pan out like I thought it would,” Rittman said of his attempt at making amends. “This was supposed to be liberating but it’s only made things worse. I didn’t expect to be around to have to deal with all the backlash.”

To make matters worse, Rittman’s girlfriend of five years has left him as well.

“At first I was really happy for Tom and his newfound love of life,” said 33-year old Natalie Sawyer of Naperville. “We went skydiving, snuck into Wrigley Field, we even jumped on a float during the St Patricks Day Parade and sang ‘Twist and Shout,’ it was awesome.”

But then, according to Sawyer, things got weird.

“He started crying all the time and told me he wanted to see his children grow up,” Sawyer said, “….but he doesn’t even have any kids.”

“Next thing you know, Thomas wants to do all this crazy stuff in bed, things he said he wanted to try before it was too late,” said Sawyer. “I’m thinking ‘what the hell is he talking about…and what’s up with the sailer suit and half-gallon bottle of ketchup?’ Then I realized that I had to get out of here before that sicko hurts me or something. Oh, and by the way, there are certain things that just shouldn’t be put in certain places.”

Emotionally crushed by the recent turn of events and awareness of his constantly impending mortality, Rittman reflected “Now I have to live with those decisions for the rest of my life….at least for the next day or so. I mean, you never know.”

High Five: Spring Spraining

1. Chicago Cubs first baseman Derrek Lee reportedly suffered a minor back injury after a chair collapsed on him while eating. Experts agree the organization is shaping up to the best Cubs team in decades.

2. It was announced on Tuesday that Jersey Shore cast members Jenni “Jwoww” Farley and Ronnie Ortiz-Magro will be writing a book called Never Fall in Love at the Jersey Shore. The book, due out in July, will “explain how to balance work, love, and partying, while properly taking care of hair, nails, and skin.” The book is being written with the help of Marc Shapiro and Hooked On Phonics.

3. On April 1st, the University of Puget Sound will be holding its annual Edible Books Festival. The festival is a display of works of edible art based on works of literature. So now you’ll have the chance to crap out a James Patterson novel probably in much the same way he does.

4. AT&T said today that because of the new health care law they will need to take a $1 billion charge and may need to reduce health benefits to their current and past employees. AT&T actually discovered this information days ago but finally got a signal and called the press.

5. A new poll released by Harris Interactive shows that 29% of Republicans believe President Obama wants to “turn over the sovereignty of the United States to a one world government,” 20% say he’s “doing many of the same things Hitler did,” and 24% say he “may be the anti-Christ.” In other news, reading died today, at the age of 10,000.

High five.

High Five: 3-Trini-D

1. In an effort to lure younger viewers, a national Catholic television channel has debuted a variety of 3-D programming. “It’s a way for us to show that we believe the message we have is relevant,” says CatholicTV director Reverend Robert Reed. In future news, CatholicTV 3-D programming was scrapped today after it was discovered younger audiences have a natural fear of reverends coming towards them.

2. In an attempt to derail the Health Care Reform legislation, GOP senators have been proposing amendments they hope will make it tough for Democrats to vote no on. These include an amendment to prohibit the coverage of Viagra for child molesters and rapist and another prohibiting funding to the activist group ACORN. But maybe the trickiest is from Senator Chuck Grassly from Iowa, whose amendment proposes that “Whoever votes for the Health Care Reform bill also enjoys the eating of farts, poop, and potentially boogers.”

3. Members of the GOP are invoking an obscure Senate rule that will halt all hearing after 2pm in protest of Democrats use of reconciliation to pass health care reform. “There will be no cooperation for the rest of the year,” said Sen. John McCain. Democrats were of course disappointed, but say they’re used to not seeing John McCain after his 2pm bedtime.

4. In a video released today of their first week in Haiti, former presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush shook hands with local Haitians. In one peculiar moment, Bush appears to shake hands with a local and then wipe his hand off on Clinton’s shirt. However, experts say the more likely explanation is that Bush is simply comfortable with Clinton… and that Clinton’s sexual prowess continues to know no bounds.

5. The father who hoaxed authorities and the nation into believing his son had accidentally taken off in a balloon floating high above Colorado was released from prison today. After a 90 day sentence, Richard Heene, his wife and kids, left the police station in the family car… or did they really? DUM DUM DUM!

High five.

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